NOT MY WILL

Hmm! Suffice it to say, the last few weeks have been very humbling for me. Last night I spent a long while ruminating over the events of the past few months and trying to use a lessons-learnt approach to analyse where I find myself today.

My beautiful baby sister (yes, that’s what she always will be to me despite having grown into an incredibly beautiful and intelligent woman) is getting married in a few days from now. As at today though, it looks like I won’t be there. I have dreamed about being at her wedding since she was about 15years old. She has always been my baby-girl, my princess. I remember her birth so well. I remember vividly some rather amusing incidents from her growing up days.

I remember how mortified I was when she almost drowned in a swimming accident when she was 5years old. I remember her as a teenager in her blue school pinafore. I remember watching her with her friends and thinking how she just seemed to radiate with a light that brightened each of their lives. I remember when she had to have her appendix out and I had that hospital experience with her. I remember taking on those ‘young’ doctors who I thought were not qualified to operate on her. I didn’t want those ‘small boys’ toying with my angels life. Thankfully, God used them to heal her and we all became very good friends out of that. 

I remember how she has always just seems to ‘get’ me and how I always ‘get’ her. I have always felt perhaps it’s because we look so much alike that we have this special ‘thing’ between us. I have loved with her, laughed with her, cried with her, prayer with and for her and generally just indeed reserve a special part of my heart just for her. Bottom-line is that I love her so completely and totally...... and I won’t be at her wedding.

How I arrived at this point is perhaps not so much the issue anymore. Suffice to say that I have beaten myself up so much about what I could and should have done, what I shouldn’t have done but did, etc. There is a saying that in life hindsight is always 20:20. But, there is also a saying that the reason that the rear-view mirror on a car is usually smaller than the windscreen is because what lies behind is largely insignificant compared with what lies ahead. Yes, there is a greater learning and growth that has resulted out of this entire experience.

I had prayed and petitioned God endlessly. I fasted. I cried. I tried to negotiate with God. Indeed, I actually tried to ‘psyche’ God, using scripture to try to get Him to turn the situation around for my benefit. I remember telling God ‘Lord, you know right now this is not because of me anymore. It doesn’t matter if I don’t make the WAN convention. This is for my sister. You know she will be heartbroken if I am not there’. I reminded God that He said we should ask and He would give us the desires of our hearts. I reminded Him that He said we should come and let’s reason together. My reasoning was that my sister really needed me to be there for her. Somehow though, I had a nudge in my Spirit and I could almost hear the Holy Spirit say ‘Come on my daughter. I know the thoughts and intents of your heart, you know!’.  Hmmm! Suffice to say I quickly changed tactics and moved into a ‘Lord I just beg you. Grace and Favour, Lord....Pleeeaassse!’.

But God is God and always will be God. He has shown me in so many other things and ways that He is always miles ahead of me. He has shown me that every disappointment is indeed a blessing – maybe not dressed in the clothes I expected, but a blessing nonetheless. He continues to remind me every day that I should never take anything for granted, but indeed should always bring ALL things to Him in prayer and supplication just like His Word says. As I think over the past months, I realise that I was confidently making boast in all my travel plans, without specifically talking to Him about them. I never asked what His will was for my proposed attendance of the Dallas event. I just said I would be there and expected Him to move His plans for me in that direction. 

I never consulted Him about my plans to attend my sister’s wedding. I didn’t hear from God before I communicated my travel plans to my sister and she booked her wedding date to accommodate my schedules. I remember that I had a clear impression to ‘wait’ before I revalidated my ticket, but I ignored it.  I remember clearly going into a tongue-speaking frenzy as I drove off to the embassy that very early morning. Somehow, I had a sense in my spirit that the interview wouldn’t hold and I know now that that was a last ditch effort at negotiating with the Lord. I came out feeling sad and sorry for myself. Funny, I also felt the Holy Spirit‘s sadness as He brought to my mind certain steps I had taken that clearly didn’t align with His will as far as trip was concerned. As I continued to push, my entire focus being on being at that wedding, God just continued to resist me on all sides as I ignored His quiet prodding’s which were contrary to what I wanted to hear.

Finally, I broke. Amidst my tears, I decided to just surrender completely and to trust God. I reminded myself that I believe absolutely that nothing is impossible for God. I believe absolutely that He is well able, that He is the God of by-this-time-tomorrow. I believe absolutely that He hears me and answers my prayers according to His riches in glory. I believe absolutely that He sees my heart and knows my most intimate thoughts. I believe absolutely that He works everything out for my good. I believe absolutely that His ways are not my ways, or His thoughts my thoughts. I believe completely that nothing is too hard for Him so it wouldn’t have been a hard thing for Him to turn around my situation and open a door for me to attend this wedding.

But He has chosen not to. I have also made a choice. I have chosen to be at peace and know that He is God and that whatever He has not allowed me, is not for my good. I choose to believe that He felt a strong need to remind me not to leave Him out of any area of my life and not to assume I can achieve things in my own strength. He reminded me that we need to be careful not to assume some kind of spiritual arrogance where we go round making the right set of sounds, but in real terms we ignore God and the counsel of the Holy Spirit. So this is a call and a reminder to myself and to you all, to be sure that we keep a God-will focus in every area of our lives. From the decision of what to wear in the morning to the things that it comes to our minds to say throughout the day; from quiet little decisions which we make daily that may affect no one other than ourselves, to those major decisions that impact on us and other lives around us, it becomes clear that we need to ask ‘Lord, what is your will?’ or ‘Lord what would you have me do’.

I know God is not mean. I know He loves me and He loves my sister. I know that He would love for me to be at that wedding. But, I also know that He knows there is some critical decision point that lies ahead of me, which I have not had this painful experience now, I will also walk into blindly on the wrong path. So, as I chose to wipe my tears, as I choose to allow the Holy Spirit humble me on one hand and heal my pained heart on the other; I am actually choosing once again to allow God be Lord over every area of my life. I am choosing once again to say ‘Lord, not my will but Yours be done’. As I choose this, I feel His peace flooding into my soul.

My prayer is that is the Lord is dealing with you in any way today, small or great; you will be strong enough to yield to the Spirit and like me declare ‘Not my Will Oh Lord, but yours’.

Ttyl